Coming Out
Ever since I was around 13, I never really felt like I was normal. I never fit in during school and had a hard time making friends. People would ask me why I never had a girlfriend or cared about girls. The thing is that I never really felt attracted to them after I discovered that I was going through puberty. The reactions that a guy usually had around a girl were what I had around my younger male teachers. I remember a feelings of anxiousness when my gym teacher would play football or basketball with everyone in gym. Something just felt right about what I was experiencing and that was when I knew about my attraction for men. The only problem was that gay people were being made fun of by anyone and everyone.
Not wanting to lose any friends that I had accumulated over the years in middle school; I kept everything to myself. By the eighth grade I was very careful about how I acted around people. I chose who my friends were and avoided the guys who were out about their sexuality because I did not want to be labeled as gay. I was so scared of what would happen if I revealed anything personal about myself and never went out to have fun with people. I was trapping myself in a bubble because I did not want to reveal too much about myself with fear that I would be found out. There was always something in the news about how something horrible happened to a gay male or female whether it was a hate crime or someone committing suicide. I didn’t want to end up as one of the people getting bullied or even worse.
Middle School ended and High School happened. I thought that everything was done and over with and everyone would move on because they would grow a little. It was High School after all. Aren’t people supposed to grow up and try to get along with each other? The answer to that question would be a big fat no. There were kids who came out and they were made fun of constantly. There was absolutely no chance that I would come out to my friends and everything was building up inside of me. Feelings of inadequacy surfaced and I couldn’t stand the feeling of being gay. I had to get rid of the feelings that I had and talk with some gay men so I faked some profiles online and got to know more about gay culture.
The more that I read on gay dating websites, I knew how to cope with not fitting in. The problem was that I had to know what my family thought of me. I then decided to come out to my family, this task was not easy. The first steps that I took were preparing myself so that I could tell my mother. She is my mother of course and would not judge but I was still nervous. I eventually worked up the courage of telling her after about 3 attempts. After awhile the rest of my family (except for my homophobic brother) knew about me.
The last people to know were my close friends and a couple of good teachers.
The one thing that I don’t regret is coming out. There was a weight lifted off of my chest. The reason why so many people want to come out isn’t understood by most. When you live in a world where being gay is made fun of, it really hurts to bottle everything up inside. If you know anyone who is gay, you shouldn’t persecute them. When people bottle everything up inside and let those feelings of inferiority and stress build up, it could lead to suicide.
Sanity is Surreal 